i dont know why i choose here to blog but i just feel like it. pretty old skol.

it's been more than a year since i last touch my bloggie. i wanna leave what is in the past. esp now. today. this very second. & it should start by deleting the contacts in my hp.

if only, love is not a mistake

and here i am reminiscing

i decided to blog in here after so long prob because i believe everyone else have forgotten about it. life's a heck ever since that oct night. two death, two wedding and it's only just half the year.

oh hell, i got lj so i shouldn't be bothered too much bout writing all shits in here. i have more privacy there anyway. i came just to say Hi to goodbye.

=)



to Esther Regina Sarlee Steepan
rest in peace

In The End

In the end.. i was left alone.

In the end.. Dani walked away without a key.

In the end.. we all wanna be happy.

and i'm actually kinda upset that dani wasnt given the key but hey i'm half-HAPPY that dani didn't win.

why i'm upset? cos i can totally feel her crushing. i mean why do we have to come to a stage where we give our all and you, knowing that you are not gonna make it work but clench on to it till the moment you said "i'm sorry" and break our hearts? i mean is there some kind of an achievement feelings doing it? hmm....
(if i can have a protest against heartbreakers)

why i'm happy? cos i probably got the chance on hitting dani and two timed shane! hahaha right.

tila wrote on her space saying, " This way we would never have to END things between us."
err...right. it's pretty obvious that you gonna choose the dude. cos in the end, "it's not about being with a guy or being with a girl. It's about ratings, publicity, and making the rounds on the late-night talk show circuit."

the reality of reality tv shows.

lucky for dani. it ended before it even started. and she's not in the losing end.

unlucky for me. it ended just when it got started. and i am truly in the losing end.

~

well enough of that. i'm here for a damn good reason. after weeks and weeks of thinking, i finally made up my mind.

so i wanna take this opportunity to tell myself (cos i know no one reads my blog) that i miss you.

i did my very best. to show you how important it is to me. to tell you it means more than anything in this world to me. but i guess i did it all wrong.

some say "people tends to remember you for that one wrong you made and not that 1000 rights you did."

and i will like to take this opportunity to tell myself yet again (cos who reads my blog, seriously) that i love you.

oh yes i do.

still holding on to something that i know it's hopeless. and yes if i could rewind the time, i'll re-write our story. i'll make you feel that whatever comes we gonna be a real warrior of love,whatever complication life can get we gonna be the sole survivor of love. but clearly, what i give was not strong enough.

and definitely i will take this opportunity to tell myself for the very last time (cos durh no one is reading my blog)that all this that happen is part of life.

i'm not letting anything go. nor am i giving up the things that i believe in. i just feel that i need a rest. i worried too much. i think too much. i cared too much.

i still see nothing.

break.

~

i'm gonna miss this.
2005 ever since. all the memories. gonna stay.
but i'm leaving.

you mean a lot to me. and i'm gonna keep fighting. even thou i feel that i'm just another pit stop for you.

with love,
pinkrocker

i'm probably the favourite mistake

i re edited my post cos i feel that i was being a mean bitch. i don't wanna hurt anyone or cause yet another misunderstanding with anyone. i'm a human being with feelings so i know how it feels like getting hurt and being misunderstood-ed before.

~

supposingly my this entry is to come in my new blog template. however due to some technical prob, i'm stuck with this one.

~

everyone told me that it was not worth it. somehow i don't wanna agree with them. i wanna prove them wrong. but maybe, just maybe they are right after all. i mean how long can i keep clapping with one hand?

things change. but there are some things that can't change. it stays the same. i know as much as everything else can change, some things just can't. trust me. i'm not a two-legged creature from space who knows no shit.

"you just walked by me like nothing ever happened."

~

what happened that night, it made me laughed (i think i'm becoming more psycho each passing day). she finds it disgusting. i find it pathetically funny.

i mean two eggs were broken. you fried one. and then you were fulled. so you decided to unbreak the other?

erm that won't work honey.

unless..... you use your alien force to undo things. maybe things will turn out to be different. i don't know.

oh and yes, of all people who i expect to "behave" like friends, HE called. cheering me up, making me laugh, reminiscing the good old time. such a sweetheart. =)
we meet up soon k? wait, we can even date!



ok this is it. just know that this entry is not meant for anyone. so don't get hurt, don't be mad, just be Cool. cos my intention is clear. no misunderstanding. no upsetting. i'm just expressing.

"i'm a favourite sinful mistake."

mrs jones, where are you?

i was scared. yes yes. scared i know. been feeling it since i don't know when. but i was feeling double of it the moment i step out of my house.

it was drizzling. i felt like i just ran a 2.4 km course when i was at blk 184 level 4.

~

the moment i step out of the lift, and i realised that it was the 1st storey, i smiled. i did what i did. with no regrets. or whatsoever.

it feels like i made my first baby step to become me again.
and i tell you its a wonderful feeling.

in friendships, there's understanding. in love, there's sacrifice.

~

but of course reality checks in. i was born with a tattoo-ed forehead saying "i'm an emo girl."

just a lil shout out to all the girls.
no matter how upset you are, no matter how drunk you are, no matter how life seems to be pushing you aside, no matter how heart breaking a heart break is, no matter how the world seems to be against you, no matter how you want to end everything... DON'T

i mean DON'T DON'T you dare fuck a guy.

cos *boom* you tested the kit twice, you got double the positive.

you went to triple check with the family doctor, and *boom* "you're positive"

things are not ARE NOT getting any better.

so a non stop jumping jack around, pineapples juices, chinese traditional med, malay traditional med.. what else?

oh ya,
dick sucks. they make your life a living hell. ok that's bias.
oh whatever.

anyone who is kind enough to help me out please?

ps- and i just realised jordin sparks - tattoo is so the song that is from you to me. wait, am i suppose to be glad? seriously, i have no idea how i should react.

does your heart remember how it used to feel when you use to think of me?

at first i was worried shit. then i panicked. then i was hurt. and then i was pissed.

suddenly i miss my cheesecake so much. i bet when i see her and i hug her.. she will not ask me why i cry. but she will tell me that i will get thru it.

"there's two type of friends. a bad friend and a good friend. you're in between, which means Nothing."

at last someone dare to slap me with the right fact.

~

i doubt myself. i doubt that i'm doing it. i don't know. i feel scared. yes. scared. SCARED. scared that the roses are too much of the thorns than a flower. i lost my confident. i lost my smile. i lost me.

~

alvin and the chipmunks are here. i don't know if i'm gonna watch it sad isn't it? i mean who wants to watch it with me? yea. Chipmunks. and i'm not watching it. oh and i love the songs. if i'm attached i will like to dedicate Only You (And You Alone) to that someone. hahahahaa... wait long long la.

...Namun Cintamu Abadi

it made me smile. i don't know why. but it did.
i was too young. just 19.
and i'm talking crap shit about true love?

am i?

i don't know la actually.

no one is gonna know what the future brings. no one. but what i know is that my true love came when i was 18. it was gone before i turn 20.

and what the fuck? you don't even know the meaning of true love, shitass!

maybe i don't.
but i believe that true love are about the actions and sacrifice. not the words or tongue.

"how sure are you that that person is the one?"

well, in every relationship you're in.. you always think that "yes, he/she's the one!". but have you ever think deeper on giving that person the within-a-heart-beat-answer to that very golden question "will you marry me?"

will you marry me?
within a heartbeat, baby.

yes. that's true love dudes...

and i'm happy that you're happy. i am. from this broken and wasted heart of mine.

if your true love is gone is that the end of it?
fuck you. even though it's proven that people die of heart break, it's not the end of life.

cos other loves will come.
just like the true love of jack and rose. jack died. rose move on and got married to another guy. but hey, true love stitch to the heart man...
sweet ain't it?

all i want is us to be friends. being the friends we used to be. you, me and the Ss.
i don't mind getting my heart broken actually cos from the beginning it's in pieces
but losing friends...god, they all that i have.

the late night chats. the tv shows critics. the illegal songs sending. the secret group gathering. the movies we throw popcorns. the ghost stories we laugh. the dance steps we screwed. the acting quarreled we play. the jokes we got hurt. the pretty pictures we delete. the videos we have history
the tears we had. the laughters that i miss.

friends again. or am i asking to much?

i want my simple life back. my life when i'm only emo cos of what my mum says. what my mum thinks. what my mum did.
and i thought that my life was complicated back then. hah.

2007 is ending. and she have taught me the complication of life part 1.
friendships, heart break, jobless...
i have never been in such a mess before.
so messy that i can't do the right thing.

my four pink painted walls witness it all.
blood, tears, bottles, pills...
oh my god, it was a mess!

when is gonna be part 2? i don't know. i got to wait and see.
=)

and then i stumble upon this complicated song. the song that used to be my best friends when i'm taking the bus rides to and fro NCS.

i listen to the song. i listen to the lyrics. i listen to the feeling.
something so beautiful.
so beautiful it almost makes me cry.


a real complication that is a beauty.
it was the purest love ever. no shadows of lust. not at all.


they both know that it's wrong. but that thing makes both of them stay.
you don't wanna know what is gonna happen to them. (like will they get caught?)
you don't wanna know how their path crosses each other. (was it fate?)

you just wanna feel their love.
at that very moment.

~

when i remembered that F is not planning to get married, i stop breathing. i suddenly felt guilty. it's like i was part of the reason why that statement came out from his mouth. i don't care if the very next sec he found someone else. but just to think that i actually make someone said that it's like a big dirty X mark on white.

shit.


i want me back.
that very emo rock chick who rocks her own emo world.



but with a lil twist...

i want my mrs jones.

it was weird (yes i know i use the word weird again but i can't help it)
maybe i have changed. maybe i should have realised that i'm not that once a upon time rock chick who supposingly sing the tune that makes you happy and not pissed.

i don't know.
i'm seriously in a confuse-ness

"you need two hands to clap" shruts said that to me.

i need to do something.
friendships are worth the blood, right?

so show me a sign.
that i'm doing something right.
someone please?

i know you won't read this but who cares

i'm not gonna have another hate entry post in my blog anymore.
and i'm not sure if there is any purpose in trying to explain things out.

but here it goes.

i don't recall feeling fucked up that you guys are schooling together. what's more feeling out of place with you guys and all those shit.

and bout the picnic thing.. it wasn't a lie. it was meant for us to have some good times together. talk things out and stuff. what's wrong with talking our hearts out in a picnic? why must we have some heated arguments? i don't need a boxing match.

i feel weird.
cos suddenly, i feel that words were being shot at me.
never have that feeling before.

the world is really a weird place.
welcome home, aliens?




and you are running away from me...

Love Actually...

i'm inspired to give it a chase.

and i'm getting ready for the run.

but not quite sure if i'm ready to lose the race.

well, it's a last shot. i need to do it for i don't want to regret in the Future.


so.... wish me luck.
=)


it seems to me that the harder i try the harder i fall

the truth of the matter is, i still have feelings for you. and no matter how many times i tell myself that i'm better off without you, a part of me just won't let go

i hate the way i can never hate you

here is the list to prove that i'm a forgetful person.

i forgot most of your cousins' names.
i forgot your brother's name.
i forgot how many siblings your best friend have.
i forgot what is your favourite colour.
i forgot the clothes you wear.
i forgot what is that album title you like the most.
i forgot what is your favourite flower.
i forgot the songs you dedicated to me.
i forgot how jealous you can get.
i forgot that at times you feel insecure.

but i will never NEVER forgot how you kiss me..

i was just so happy. but you took it away.


"remember i said i'd go through anything for you, for us? those weren't just words."
"... but through all this, i realize how much i love you. more than i thought i have."

it was just words

Not the One You're Missing

i had a dream. and i swear i was smiling. but the moment my eyes were opened, the heart ache i felt... oh god...

then i remembered that one qns. i asked you. that two word question i asked you. i still can remember when you replied "YES."
was it a lie?

i read the last card you gave me on our 1 year anni. those words doesn't seem to make sense to me now. i thought it came from your heart. or was it a lie too?

and now i just remembered that one entry i dedicated to you. June 19, 2007. it wasn't a lie.

but now i doubt YOUR entry. that one entry you dedicated to me. August 24, 2007. oh but wait.. to that question you asked me... i will still say yes.

~

i should move on. cos you're not gonna fight. no matter how hard i want things to be right. you want it wrong.

nothing i do or say will ever make you change your mind.
you have always been that stubborn one.
=)

~

and Bro, Happy 24th Birthday.
can't believe you getting married even before you turn 25!!!!

i have never thought of Shane like this before but now when i think about it,
she did the most stupidest thing in her life.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

"Macam mana sayang pun kau kat dia, dia takan balik dengan kau. lepaskan dia, riz kalau betul kau cintakan dia... itu je yang kau boleh buat sekarang"

serta merta airmata ku menitis
satu hakikat yang pedih ku harus telan.
aku tak boleh dan tak'an dapat membuat dia tersenyum,
apatah lagi bila aku telah menjadi sejarah dalam hidupnya







remember out there somewhere,
at the corner of the world,
there's a girl who love you...

you should have told me why

If Only...

Pertama jumpa kau tersenyum pada ku
di ikuti gementarnya dua hati
dibalik wajah mu ku lihat terang
dua insan telah jatuh cinta

kata hati kau ucapkan angin lalu
lembut sepoi datang menyentuh hatiku
angan angan belaian di raut khayal
dua insan sedang jatuh cinta

laut tenang segera berganding alun
kau putus kan tali jambatan hati mu
mahkota cinta kini tenggelam
masuk jauh ke dasar sejarah

ku bertanya pada diri ku sendiri
apakah gerangan ada salah beta
sebuah hati yang duka karena luka
ku cuba menutup dengan doa

~

jika hati ku boleh berbicara
akan ku bertanya pada dirimu
kenapa cinta putus di tengah jalan
kenapa diriku tak di beri peluang

is it all worth it?

too good to be true?

i laughed.

~

i've learned a lesson.
that sacrifice is the purest. not love.
i felt the good and the worst at the same time.
somehow i remembered that night..
"it's fate that brought us together"

too many lies were told, but you are always forgiven.

i've learned another lesson too.
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're gonna hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

it was one of the night that someone won't wanna go thru especially when she is going to have an impt test to take tmr.

~

in some point of your life, you will learn that people come to your life, leave a footprint and walk away. but some people come to your life, make an impact and stay. a few will go, yes, but mostly stay. cos the friendship or probably the relationship you have with them means something to you. the tears you cried, the blood you shed, the days you spend is worth something.

i was trying to move on from a heartbreak. i was trying to have my life back. i was trying to stop another titanic sink. but it was all wrong.

well if this is what friendship worth, then maybe it's not friendship after all.

~

that brings me back to my sec school days where i drift myself from the queens. after getting my o's i stop all communication with them. but they went the extra miles.
=)

~

my tears are dried.
i believe in a thing called fate.