In The End

In the end.. i was left alone.

In the end.. Dani walked away without a key.

In the end.. we all wanna be happy.

and i'm actually kinda upset that dani wasnt given the key but hey i'm half-HAPPY that dani didn't win.

why i'm upset? cos i can totally feel her crushing. i mean why do we have to come to a stage where we give our all and you, knowing that you are not gonna make it work but clench on to it till the moment you said "i'm sorry" and break our hearts? i mean is there some kind of an achievement feelings doing it? hmm....
(if i can have a protest against heartbreakers)

why i'm happy? cos i probably got the chance on hitting dani and two timed shane! hahaha right.

tila wrote on her space saying, " This way we would never have to END things between us."
err...right. it's pretty obvious that you gonna choose the dude. cos in the end, "it's not about being with a guy or being with a girl. It's about ratings, publicity, and making the rounds on the late-night talk show circuit."

the reality of reality tv shows.

lucky for dani. it ended before it even started. and she's not in the losing end.

unlucky for me. it ended just when it got started. and i am truly in the losing end.

~

well enough of that. i'm here for a damn good reason. after weeks and weeks of thinking, i finally made up my mind.

so i wanna take this opportunity to tell myself (cos i know no one reads my blog) that i miss you.

i did my very best. to show you how important it is to me. to tell you it means more than anything in this world to me. but i guess i did it all wrong.

some say "people tends to remember you for that one wrong you made and not that 1000 rights you did."

and i will like to take this opportunity to tell myself yet again (cos who reads my blog, seriously) that i love you.

oh yes i do.

still holding on to something that i know it's hopeless. and yes if i could rewind the time, i'll re-write our story. i'll make you feel that whatever comes we gonna be a real warrior of love,whatever complication life can get we gonna be the sole survivor of love. but clearly, what i give was not strong enough.

and definitely i will take this opportunity to tell myself for the very last time (cos durh no one is reading my blog)that all this that happen is part of life.

i'm not letting anything go. nor am i giving up the things that i believe in. i just feel that i need a rest. i worried too much. i think too much. i cared too much.

i still see nothing.

break.

~

i'm gonna miss this.
2005 ever since. all the memories. gonna stay.
but i'm leaving.

you mean a lot to me. and i'm gonna keep fighting. even thou i feel that i'm just another pit stop for you.

with love,
pinkrocker

i'm probably the favourite mistake

i re edited my post cos i feel that i was being a mean bitch. i don't wanna hurt anyone or cause yet another misunderstanding with anyone. i'm a human being with feelings so i know how it feels like getting hurt and being misunderstood-ed before.

~

supposingly my this entry is to come in my new blog template. however due to some technical prob, i'm stuck with this one.

~

everyone told me that it was not worth it. somehow i don't wanna agree with them. i wanna prove them wrong. but maybe, just maybe they are right after all. i mean how long can i keep clapping with one hand?

things change. but there are some things that can't change. it stays the same. i know as much as everything else can change, some things just can't. trust me. i'm not a two-legged creature from space who knows no shit.

"you just walked by me like nothing ever happened."

~

what happened that night, it made me laughed (i think i'm becoming more psycho each passing day). she finds it disgusting. i find it pathetically funny.

i mean two eggs were broken. you fried one. and then you were fulled. so you decided to unbreak the other?

erm that won't work honey.

unless..... you use your alien force to undo things. maybe things will turn out to be different. i don't know.

oh and yes, of all people who i expect to "behave" like friends, HE called. cheering me up, making me laugh, reminiscing the good old time. such a sweetheart. =)
we meet up soon k? wait, we can even date!



ok this is it. just know that this entry is not meant for anyone. so don't get hurt, don't be mad, just be Cool. cos my intention is clear. no misunderstanding. no upsetting. i'm just expressing.

"i'm a favourite sinful mistake."

mrs jones, where are you?

i was scared. yes yes. scared i know. been feeling it since i don't know when. but i was feeling double of it the moment i step out of my house.

it was drizzling. i felt like i just ran a 2.4 km course when i was at blk 184 level 4.

~

the moment i step out of the lift, and i realised that it was the 1st storey, i smiled. i did what i did. with no regrets. or whatsoever.

it feels like i made my first baby step to become me again.
and i tell you its a wonderful feeling.

in friendships, there's understanding. in love, there's sacrifice.

~

but of course reality checks in. i was born with a tattoo-ed forehead saying "i'm an emo girl."

just a lil shout out to all the girls.
no matter how upset you are, no matter how drunk you are, no matter how life seems to be pushing you aside, no matter how heart breaking a heart break is, no matter how the world seems to be against you, no matter how you want to end everything... DON'T

i mean DON'T DON'T you dare fuck a guy.

cos *boom* you tested the kit twice, you got double the positive.

you went to triple check with the family doctor, and *boom* "you're positive"

things are not ARE NOT getting any better.

so a non stop jumping jack around, pineapples juices, chinese traditional med, malay traditional med.. what else?

oh ya,
dick sucks. they make your life a living hell. ok that's bias.
oh whatever.

anyone who is kind enough to help me out please?

ps- and i just realised jordin sparks - tattoo is so the song that is from you to me. wait, am i suppose to be glad? seriously, i have no idea how i should react.

does your heart remember how it used to feel when you use to think of me?

at first i was worried shit. then i panicked. then i was hurt. and then i was pissed.

suddenly i miss my cheesecake so much. i bet when i see her and i hug her.. she will not ask me why i cry. but she will tell me that i will get thru it.

"there's two type of friends. a bad friend and a good friend. you're in between, which means Nothing."

at last someone dare to slap me with the right fact.

~

i doubt myself. i doubt that i'm doing it. i don't know. i feel scared. yes. scared. SCARED. scared that the roses are too much of the thorns than a flower. i lost my confident. i lost my smile. i lost me.

~

alvin and the chipmunks are here. i don't know if i'm gonna watch it sad isn't it? i mean who wants to watch it with me? yea. Chipmunks. and i'm not watching it. oh and i love the songs. if i'm attached i will like to dedicate Only You (And You Alone) to that someone. hahahahaa... wait long long la.

...Namun Cintamu Abadi

it made me smile. i don't know why. but it did.
i was too young. just 19.
and i'm talking crap shit about true love?

am i?

i don't know la actually.

no one is gonna know what the future brings. no one. but what i know is that my true love came when i was 18. it was gone before i turn 20.

and what the fuck? you don't even know the meaning of true love, shitass!

maybe i don't.
but i believe that true love are about the actions and sacrifice. not the words or tongue.

"how sure are you that that person is the one?"

well, in every relationship you're in.. you always think that "yes, he/she's the one!". but have you ever think deeper on giving that person the within-a-heart-beat-answer to that very golden question "will you marry me?"

will you marry me?
within a heartbeat, baby.

yes. that's true love dudes...

and i'm happy that you're happy. i am. from this broken and wasted heart of mine.

if your true love is gone is that the end of it?
fuck you. even though it's proven that people die of heart break, it's not the end of life.

cos other loves will come.
just like the true love of jack and rose. jack died. rose move on and got married to another guy. but hey, true love stitch to the heart man...
sweet ain't it?

all i want is us to be friends. being the friends we used to be. you, me and the Ss.
i don't mind getting my heart broken actually cos from the beginning it's in pieces
but losing friends...god, they all that i have.

the late night chats. the tv shows critics. the illegal songs sending. the secret group gathering. the movies we throw popcorns. the ghost stories we laugh. the dance steps we screwed. the acting quarreled we play. the jokes we got hurt. the pretty pictures we delete. the videos we have history
the tears we had. the laughters that i miss.

friends again. or am i asking to much?

i want my simple life back. my life when i'm only emo cos of what my mum says. what my mum thinks. what my mum did.
and i thought that my life was complicated back then. hah.

2007 is ending. and she have taught me the complication of life part 1.
friendships, heart break, jobless...
i have never been in such a mess before.
so messy that i can't do the right thing.

my four pink painted walls witness it all.
blood, tears, bottles, pills...
oh my god, it was a mess!

when is gonna be part 2? i don't know. i got to wait and see.
=)

and then i stumble upon this complicated song. the song that used to be my best friends when i'm taking the bus rides to and fro NCS.

i listen to the song. i listen to the lyrics. i listen to the feeling.
something so beautiful.
so beautiful it almost makes me cry.


a real complication that is a beauty.
it was the purest love ever. no shadows of lust. not at all.


they both know that it's wrong. but that thing makes both of them stay.
you don't wanna know what is gonna happen to them. (like will they get caught?)
you don't wanna know how their path crosses each other. (was it fate?)

you just wanna feel their love.
at that very moment.

~

when i remembered that F is not planning to get married, i stop breathing. i suddenly felt guilty. it's like i was part of the reason why that statement came out from his mouth. i don't care if the very next sec he found someone else. but just to think that i actually make someone said that it's like a big dirty X mark on white.

shit.


i want me back.
that very emo rock chick who rocks her own emo world.



but with a lil twist...

i want my mrs jones.

it was weird (yes i know i use the word weird again but i can't help it)
maybe i have changed. maybe i should have realised that i'm not that once a upon time rock chick who supposingly sing the tune that makes you happy and not pissed.

i don't know.
i'm seriously in a confuse-ness

"you need two hands to clap" shruts said that to me.

i need to do something.
friendships are worth the blood, right?

so show me a sign.
that i'm doing something right.
someone please?

i know you won't read this but who cares

i'm not gonna have another hate entry post in my blog anymore.
and i'm not sure if there is any purpose in trying to explain things out.

but here it goes.

i don't recall feeling fucked up that you guys are schooling together. what's more feeling out of place with you guys and all those shit.

and bout the picnic thing.. it wasn't a lie. it was meant for us to have some good times together. talk things out and stuff. what's wrong with talking our hearts out in a picnic? why must we have some heated arguments? i don't need a boxing match.

i feel weird.
cos suddenly, i feel that words were being shot at me.
never have that feeling before.

the world is really a weird place.
welcome home, aliens?




and you are running away from me...

Love Actually...

i'm inspired to give it a chase.

and i'm getting ready for the run.

but not quite sure if i'm ready to lose the race.

well, it's a last shot. i need to do it for i don't want to regret in the Future.


so.... wish me luck.
=)


it seems to me that the harder i try the harder i fall

the truth of the matter is, i still have feelings for you. and no matter how many times i tell myself that i'm better off without you, a part of me just won't let go

i hate the way i can never hate you

here is the list to prove that i'm a forgetful person.

i forgot most of your cousins' names.
i forgot your brother's name.
i forgot how many siblings your best friend have.
i forgot what is your favourite colour.
i forgot the clothes you wear.
i forgot what is that album title you like the most.
i forgot what is your favourite flower.
i forgot the songs you dedicated to me.
i forgot how jealous you can get.
i forgot that at times you feel insecure.

but i will never NEVER forgot how you kiss me..

i was just so happy. but you took it away.


"remember i said i'd go through anything for you, for us? those weren't just words."
"... but through all this, i realize how much i love you. more than i thought i have."

it was just words

Not the One You're Missing

i had a dream. and i swear i was smiling. but the moment my eyes were opened, the heart ache i felt... oh god...

then i remembered that one qns. i asked you. that two word question i asked you. i still can remember when you replied "YES."
was it a lie?

i read the last card you gave me on our 1 year anni. those words doesn't seem to make sense to me now. i thought it came from your heart. or was it a lie too?

and now i just remembered that one entry i dedicated to you. June 19, 2007. it wasn't a lie.

but now i doubt YOUR entry. that one entry you dedicated to me. August 24, 2007. oh but wait.. to that question you asked me... i will still say yes.

~

i should move on. cos you're not gonna fight. no matter how hard i want things to be right. you want it wrong.

nothing i do or say will ever make you change your mind.
you have always been that stubborn one.
=)

~

and Bro, Happy 24th Birthday.
can't believe you getting married even before you turn 25!!!!

i have never thought of Shane like this before but now when i think about it,
she did the most stupidest thing in her life.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

"Macam mana sayang pun kau kat dia, dia takan balik dengan kau. lepaskan dia, riz kalau betul kau cintakan dia... itu je yang kau boleh buat sekarang"

serta merta airmata ku menitis
satu hakikat yang pedih ku harus telan.
aku tak boleh dan tak'an dapat membuat dia tersenyum,
apatah lagi bila aku telah menjadi sejarah dalam hidupnya







remember out there somewhere,
at the corner of the world,
there's a girl who love you...

you should have told me why

If Only...

Pertama jumpa kau tersenyum pada ku
di ikuti gementarnya dua hati
dibalik wajah mu ku lihat terang
dua insan telah jatuh cinta

kata hati kau ucapkan angin lalu
lembut sepoi datang menyentuh hatiku
angan angan belaian di raut khayal
dua insan sedang jatuh cinta

laut tenang segera berganding alun
kau putus kan tali jambatan hati mu
mahkota cinta kini tenggelam
masuk jauh ke dasar sejarah

ku bertanya pada diri ku sendiri
apakah gerangan ada salah beta
sebuah hati yang duka karena luka
ku cuba menutup dengan doa

~

jika hati ku boleh berbicara
akan ku bertanya pada dirimu
kenapa cinta putus di tengah jalan
kenapa diriku tak di beri peluang

is it all worth it?

too good to be true?

i laughed.

~

i've learned a lesson.
that sacrifice is the purest. not love.
i felt the good and the worst at the same time.
somehow i remembered that night..
"it's fate that brought us together"

too many lies were told, but you are always forgiven.

i've learned another lesson too.
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're gonna hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

it was one of the night that someone won't wanna go thru especially when she is going to have an impt test to take tmr.

~

in some point of your life, you will learn that people come to your life, leave a footprint and walk away. but some people come to your life, make an impact and stay. a few will go, yes, but mostly stay. cos the friendship or probably the relationship you have with them means something to you. the tears you cried, the blood you shed, the days you spend is worth something.

i was trying to move on from a heartbreak. i was trying to have my life back. i was trying to stop another titanic sink. but it was all wrong.

well if this is what friendship worth, then maybe it's not friendship after all.

~

that brings me back to my sec school days where i drift myself from the queens. after getting my o's i stop all communication with them. but they went the extra miles.
=)

~

my tears are dried.
i believe in a thing called fate.

was it my fault?
or was it just me?

i once said friends are those who will laugh at you when you fall but will be the only one who help you to get on your feet back
~

oh and i just realise something about me. the real reason why i'm scared of HEIGHTS. it is because i'm scared of falling and had myself broken into pieces.

oh shit. it's too late now.

~

"She lost the one person who though nothing was wrong with her"

It doesn't take a reason to love someone, but it does to like someone. You don't love someone because you want to, you love someone because you are destined to. It's because you fall in Love with them, that you then try to find a reason, but you always come up with the answer...

I never could imagine, life without you
From the moment you walked into my world
Never knew how long a loving flame could burn
But losing you has forced me to learn
That we can’t change the way we feel inside
And every try at love never turns out right

i've been such a freak.
now it's time to reminisce and be an EMO freak.

the title is...
I Love Hoogaz.
By Amalina.
July 26, 2006

it was weird. to see you at my door. in your hand a bouquet of flowers.

~

not long ago, i had a dream. i was in the bus. gonna meet you. but somehow, the bus ride was forever. there seems to be alot of hindrance. alot of obstacles. just to meet you.

we didn't meet in the end. cos you took the same bus that i was in, home. we were in the same bus. but we didnt see each other.

what a dream.

~


well, they say true loves never die. they say you only have ONE true love.
they say...

i say that without sacrifice, there's no love. i say without you, there's no true love.
i say...

i thought i give my everything.
i thought i give my all.
i thought i give...

but it wasn't enough.



and then i know, i wasn't the one.
i wasn't the love of your life.
i wasn't your soulmate.
i wasn't the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with.

i wasn't.

H.A ppy

it was like i felt i was decorating the house with our pictures. things were going just fine. the pictures just make it perfect.

then you came back home.
tired.
pissed.

and you let out a sigh.
looking at the pictures. you don't like the idea of our pictures around the house.

i forgot.
you prefer flowers in those frames.

~

what started as friends, should ended as friends, right? no? yes?
well whatever it is, i'm trying to believe in that.
cos if i were to still hold on to the promises that were being made, i will never move on.

Love hurts. real bad.
but it also make you know how pure and a beauty it is.

Happy 1 year and 2 months anniversary
i'm moving on. but i'm missing you.

fran said...
"if passionate love is what one seek, it is harder to come by. But when it does it stays and you know you have all the faith in the world to know it is forever thou you never are certain bout tomorrow."

shruts asked me to move on. she said you need two hands to clap. she was right. but i just can't.

to see you just now, i wasn't prepared. cos suddenly it all came back. to know you have moved on so well without me...

i tried lying to myself. it works only for an hour.

the cut was deep. and i can't seem to be able to see it.
so i cut myself. to see how much it bleeds.

true enough, i was never the one who is gonna make you happy.

the past tense

Say The Things That I Can't Say

Gazing at the moon
My heart loves to the core.
For once I fell in love
like no other time before.

I met her from the hills,
just text, and window based
The butterflies set in,
with such beauty, she was graced.

With kindness and a voice
She patched up every sore
Was it meant to be,
as it's never been before?

Summer, it came with fire
For at that time we met
And as that wood door opened,
I knew where my heart was set.

Hand in hand we walked,
My faith to her I swore,
as we kissed that first sweet time
We melted on the floor.

As the leaves fell off the trees
Warmth shared through the winter,
of course we had our problems,
flicked off as though a splinter.

Lots of hurdles came,
With those came the pain.
But after all that we've endured
one fact remains the same.

Seasons spent together,
In fact, we could have lasted more,
the fact remains, I still love her
Forever, and ever more.

I pray that she'll come back
I Hope I'm in her mind,
So much I want to share,
Don't care if love is blind.

As she drifts away
there's nothing I want more
then to feel her love again,
As I've never felt before.

i smile my way in the rainy day

love. you don't ask for any return.
that's how love should be.
that's when you see the beauty.
right?

i was too lost in my own feelings i have forgotten how love feels like.

When I think about what we used to be,
I cry and cry in spite of me.
It just seems crazy that was just last year,
Just last year I barely cried one tear.

Now I'm just hoping maybe tomorrow,
Maybe tomorrow there'll be no more sorrow.
Maybe tomorrow you'll give me a glance,
Mybe tomorrow you'll give me one last chance.

Maybe tomorrow you'll give me a call,
Maybe tomorrow I won't cry at all.
Maybe tomorrow you'll hug me tight,
Maybe tomorrow you'll kiss me good night.

Maybe tomorrow you'll take back my heart,
Maybe you'll give me a brand new start.

CRAZZZZZZZEI

it was HER necklace, HER earring, HER suspender.
it was MY BRO shirt.
it was MY cap.

me and sitikus went crazy!!!
hahahahaa
love her lots. we were not even behaving like an aunt and a niece. it was like BESTEST FRIEND EVA.

i'm laying alone with my head on the phone
thinking of you till it hurts

should i stay should i go?

"i don't need space. i need you."
it was like a dream. that never came true.

exactly a year ago, my snoring was a lullaby. hah...
and now, i don't even hear your voice at night. laughing.

i'm letting go. the only one i called mine.
i'm letting go. the love of my life.
i'm letting go. and you're not stopping.

you were right. it was a just a simple space. that you need. but i can't give.
i love you, B. more than anything else. but i can't seem to hold on to ...nothing.

i always thought that you gonna be there. but the last time i turn around, you were nowhere.

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do
And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be
But those words ain't pulling me through
Cos I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me going through the mill

This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on, baby, it's over, let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance
and I know without a doubt
I turned it inside out
And if we walked away
would make more sense
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we still could try
How long must we keep riding on a carousel
Going round and round and never getting anywhere?



i was afraid to let go, for fear of losing my one true love. But the pain of holding on slowly tears at the once strong heart.

ku dibebani bayangan mu

with the heat, the heavy bag, the only- oh-so-crowded-kampung-melayu and the HIGH heels, i came back home with not only blisters but the tiredness i have not felt for the longest time. don't get me wrong, it was MY sister's hangbag and her high heels.

and i met SHAZZY! deliciously the cutest malay hiphop guy eva. hahahahaa...

why am i feeling high? god knows

okay i take that back. im not feeling any high.

hari raya is like in three days time. it feels diff. like seriously.
cos for me, it's been a difficult fasting month for me. so to celebrate the "victory day", i'm not sure i can. probably because i'm not leading the race. probably because i don't know how long this is gonna take.

aku pasrah

walaupun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu

the feel i'm feeling - kekasih gelapku ungu

i just realise that not only that i'm having sleepless nights but i've been waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweat.

and the nightmare i just had was weird. probably cos i watched the devil's backbone. i don't know.

i'm kinda in a lazy mode which just not making things any better.
lina said something. and it makes me laugh when it is supposingly to be a serious matter. wahahahahahaa..

making love out of nothing at all

the blues i'm feeling - ada cinta acha and irwansyah

i keep re-edit my post again and again. not sure if it's gonna backfire on me if i'm gonna write something wrong.

so it's just me and my bed. i think i feel more comfortable. like totally comfortable. =)
makes me feel like my "teenage" days. hehehehee

oh and i remember the movie tentang dia. every words. just..... make you wanna think. and not be selfish. you know sometimes you can be too carried away and be obsessively selfish.

Dalam lelah kuberharap
Datangnya sebuah keajaiban
Walau berat kurasakan
Namun kulakukan semua untuk cinta
it was never a lie. it comes from the heart. really.

lalala

another day another night.

weird people keeps calling me. and everytime my phone rang, i was off somewhere. in the toilet or in the hall. and when i tried to ring them back, they won't wanna pick up.
nicee...

my walls are better now.
i don't know with all the dirt and the dust and the webs all gone, i hope i have a better night tonight.

and someone make my day.
i know things aren't going right for me but hey i deserve to atleast smile, right?
hahahahaa.. someone with a short shorty hair seh.

Face the Book

ok i think i shall stop before i get tooooo involve in facebook. its driving me nuts. i know its an addict. and my profile is so full of stuff it's a mess. and i dont even know how to make it look err... neater. oh what the hell.

naz and i were IM-ing when she told me she is probably being dengue-fied. babe, you got to take care la!

yesterday break fast at woodlands my uncle's house. food food food and more food. this fasting month is the fattening month.

oh ya... i need to talk to shruts. babe.... this is getting serious la. i miss you!

One

we were playing the blaming game.

i admit i was throwing my words all around.
and i just can't seem to find the reason for what i was doing.
and i don't seem to be picking up the pieces that i broke.

you were right. i wasn't thinking. about how you gonna feel. i wasn't thinking about the times we had together when i type those words in my entry. i wasn't.

i have let you down. i hurt you. deep.

it was a mistake no one should ever make to someone they love. but i made my mistake. i just want you to know cupcake, that as much i want our friendship to last forever, i can't be selfish. i hurt you. more than i can imagine. i know cause everytime i think about what i did to you, i break down and cry. cos i know what i did to you was...breaking your heart.

if it's really what it's written that it probably got to end like this, then i have to accept the punishment. maybe there's someone who's better out there who can take up my place.

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Friends

A long time ago, we used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again, a greeting I send to you,
Short and sweet to the soul I intend.

A, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
A, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
A, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
A, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh

Come on now, honey,
Bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when you're good to go
Come on now, sugar,
Bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when.

It's something I said, or someone I know.
Or you called me up, maybe I wasn't home.
Now everybody needs some time,
And everybody knows
The rest of it's fine
And everybody knows that

We used to be friends a long time ago.

My Baby

You Beeches

Friends.

i have make my mistakes. yea i did. a lot. there are times i failed being a fren. for someone. for some people. but hey, what right have you got to verbally abuse my GIRL. my GIRLFRIENDSS.

hate them. hate me. bloody hell.

back in school, you guys got a sweet tongue. but now, hahaha...

i bet GUYS who dont shave their armpit just don't know how to use the razor and trim their filthy mouth too.

won't wanna waste time on them. anymore

just make something clear- if you hairy "manjen" gamblers know nuts bout someone, just shut your armpit. cos it stinks.

uniquely malay

ini adalah kali pertama ku menaip diari maya aku dalam bahasa ibunda. terasa keganjilnya. hahaha... nak bahsa baku pulak tu.

semestinya ada alasan kenape alih2 aku ingin menaip diari maya aku dalam bahasa ibunda ku (eh, bukan senang tau)

dah lame aku tak melayari internet. apetah lagi menulis/menaip di dalam blog aku.

banyak yang berlaku dlm hidup aku. dari cinta sampailah ke hal keluarga dan kerje.

~

sukarnya di rasa apabila ungkapan kata di hati
tidak dapat diluahkan mulut yang terkunci
bahasa apakah akan membuat diri ku didengar
seindah mimpi bukanlah satu realiti yang boleh di gambar

tersembunyi didalam tipu helah dunia
ku berdiri tegak tapi tak bernyawa
dulu ku kau sanjung tinggi di atas sana
kini ku rasa kasih hilang berganti masa

tak tercapai hasrat yang dihajati
mereka memaksa aku memberi
senyuman diberi walau hati disakiti
kan ku ke medan untuk impian yang di mimpi

~

pendek je la. tapi pada ku ianya cara utk aku meluahkan rojak-rojak perasaan ku ini.

aku seakan rasa yang ...(bukannye senang hendak berbicara) diri di landa "disaster of emotion". macam ragu dengan perasaan sendiri. ragu dengan apa yang di lihat dan di pandang.

macam aper yang dinyanyikan lagu ada cinta dari acha dan irwansyah - "mengapa sulit mengaku cinta padahal ia terasa"

but this is just not only bout love...

faham tak?

chiao

=)

Convince me to stand
At the black side of the bank
But can I hear you call
When I’m about to fall

Was buried in emotions
Couldn’t hide in the ocean

I was missing you

Enshrouded in here
Discriminated against
Will you be my listening ear
And chase away my fear

In my world
Of one’s solitude
I remembered my obligation to you
But suddenly I see all ain’t the truth
In an instance I stood up
Like a paralyzed bird flying up high
To its air castle in the bluest sky

I do care
About the darkest star
And the rainbow scar
My agony is not a subject
When you’re next I feel perfect

things have change. whether one likes it or not

i hope you're doing fine out there without me
cos i'm not doing so good without you

just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart

live earth

i'm dead bored NOT.

watch live earth live on msn NOW.

even my blog insist of going green today. and for couple of days.

don't have to wait for channel 5. watch it now!

save the gaia girls and boys.

http://liveearth.msn.com



ps- watch it with internet explorer. the best.

I'm Sorry

tell me what to do
tell me what to say

Oh Love

Sometimes when we wake up in the morning and you realize that cupid shoot you right on the spot, all you ever think of is that very person you want to spend your life with. You smiled thinking how blessed prata is when it is taste with curry. You close your eyes thinking of only that face you want to see when you open your eyes to the light of the sun.

You’re falling in love all over again.

I asked myself. How can I keep falling and falling with the same person for nearing a year now without feeling stupid? How can I have a straight smile when I heard the voice getting all so annoyed cos’ the sleep I disturbed? How can I just get reminded of that person in every minute ticking?

I was asked about the vagueness in the future. Will you still love me like now? Will there be insanity between us wanting to just make us go our separate ways? Will there be someone out there who you are better off with? Will you ever get tired of me? What if, you fall out of love?

I don’t know why I’m so in love. I don’t know what is in for my future. For our future. But I know questionlessly, that true love came once in your life. And mine has arrived at my doorstep nine months, nine days and a few hours ago. Still holding on to it. Just be assured, that I won’t let it go.

So Love,
I can’t promise her anything. Not a certain future. Not an assured dream. But if she ask me about it again, I will say whatever it is, I’m here to stay. Let that someone come our way. I’m going to love only her. I’m going to be true to the love of my life. Whatever it takes she is going to be the only one. Who got my heart. Who got me right.

Regards,
the One Loving Her


Sweet or what?

falling in love is like...

Do you know what is the easiest thing in life is?

Living life isn’t easy but to fall in love is. You don’t need to put in any effort. Not even to smile or move your ass. It’s the only effortless thing a human can ever do.

If only keeping it is as easy as it can be. If only letting it go is even easier.

The purest thing of all in this mean cold world; can there be a dirty mark on it? Can there be a line of hatred crossed it? Can there be a scar of blood in it?

What does it take to make someone cry all night? What does it take to break your heart to a million pieces?

A string of painful truth? A deflective feeling from the other part? Or both of it?

Sometimes I asked myself, when someone hurt you deep, when someone makes you bleed, is it worth a second chance? Or is it even worth to give it a try?

Why do we have to cling on something we know won’t go right? Why do we have to keep a smile when inside the real feelings we fight?

Maybe cos’ no one make you smile like how he did. Maybe you feel that you can secretly love him at the back of the classroom and no one will ever notice. Maybe you just can’t stop but to love him. More as each day pass. The more tears we cried, the deeper we fell. In love. With someone who don’t deserve an atom of this pureness from our heart.

I told you it’s just too easy to fall in love. Way to easy.

And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I’m in this condition
And I got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what
You’ll never see me cry

with regards,
chiao my ladies
pinkrocker signing out

Lilies of the Spiders

remember brokeback mountain?

do you know which is the most powerful scene of all?

well the scene in BBM where Jack and Ennis kiss on the stairs. in which i think is an incredibly powerful piece in that whole movie.

why?

not cos its sexy or anything. but if you're good at watchin "art" movies like BBM, you will know that THAT scene reveals the depth and power of desire that the two men feel for each other more than any other moment in the film.

and guess what?

Spider Lilies is here. with the misfortune of it being a r21 movie (fuck it) but get the chance to watch the trailer and the kissing scene at youtube thou. so just like BBM-kiss-on-the-stairs-scene, this two chicks kissing is full of emotion. hehehee...

A very special movie indeed.

Bear, how?

chiao =)

I thought you could use a friend but you don't seem to have the time

i don't know what to type actually.

work and life have not been playing a fair game with me.

who to talk to?

god knows who.

a painful ride

It was a painful ride. It was unbearable. But there was nothing that I could do. To stop my move. To stop the world swirling.

I had hard time breathing. I was choking. Brother was driving. I don’t know what he was thinking. Maybe he thinks that I’m selfish. Maybe he thinks I’m stupid. I don’t know. I care? No.

My phone rang. It was my sister. She asked why? What is so hard?

I said I called you back later. And I hang up.

I was raining.

But the sky is so bright.

I cried more when I was in the toilet.

While waiting for that piece of paper.

Happy One Month Anti-versary To Me & NCS

today is a complete month that i have been working in NCS pte ltd. To begin with i am not really into this job. but i have to say that i have quite a handful of stuff that i learn from k. siti, pauleen, patsie and even kelvin. i even got the chance to experience an event organised by Cath which i think is Fucking useful to me in the future (of course.)

and not only that, the ride to my work place was pretty enjoy-able. well besides the fact that i always thought that i was heading to SCHOOL (some emo stuff laa) but also there's three cute BOYS that keeps me goin. one is an army guy who totally stay near my place cos every day he's at MY bus-stop. and we took the same bus together too. and another one is this cool-est malay guy who is from ite. he wears a baseball cap like every single. and play hockey. how cool? he was at my bus-stop today. and we alight at the interchange everyday! haha.

oh ya and one more guy. he just totally reminds me of Mun. he look exactly like her. he have this boy-ish kinda face and all so pretty. i don't see much him much often. only twice actually.

let's give them each a name for easier remember-ing..
the army guy- sergeant
the ite guy who plays hockey - hooker
the Mun-lookalike - monkey

hahahahahaa...

~

oh ya, last sat, i went to have dinner with Bear. we get to experient our first melissa-ryan-ferris-wheel-ride which i was (just like ryan) scared of height. (ryan and melissa appear in the OC if you still don't know.) the best night i ever had so far. total amaze-ment.

(it was the day i got my pay too.)

but now, i'm left with not much.

~

june is coming. which means there will be alot of sales and for the first time, i'm ready for it. which also means there are ALOT of presents to get. BIRTHDAYS!!!

~

i checked and the last time i blogged was on the 8th May. it's been a week! arghh...


that's all foolks.

chiao

have you ever

Have you ever cried at night,
Thinking it was bad,
Have you ever lost a love,
The only thing you ever had,
Have you ever screamed out loud,
From pain that you have felt,
Have you ever stopped and looked,
At pain that you have dealt,
Have you ever questioned someone,
Of love and if its true,
Have you ever really wondered,
If they truly feel for you,
Have you ever felt abused,
Or worried while you wait,
Have you ever made a big huge deal,
Over someone being late,
Have you ever had them leave,
And watched them walk away,
Have you ever thought of leaving,
But could only sit and stay,
Have you ever hurt someone,
And looked at what you’ve done,
Have you ever been the one that’s hurt,
And thought that you were the only one,
Have you ever loved another,
And never told them so,
Have you ever tried to tell them,
But didn’t know how it would go,
Have you ever been alone,
Where no one else could see,
So you sat at home remaining unknown,
having nowhere else to be.
I’ve felt this way before,
I’ve felt and dealt it all,
I’ve even lied,
I’ve even cried,
I’ve even felt the fall.
But nothing makes it better,
The Guilt or the Pain I feel,
I wish it all would go away,
I wish it wasn’t real,
But that is not the case,
And it could never be,
It took me too long to open up,
And took me way too long to see, I must;
Own up to mistakes I’ve made,
Get past the pains I’ve felt,
Wipe away the tears that are in my eyes,
And reflect on the tears I’ve dealt,
And Tell someone when I love them,
Before they go away,
And maybe if I word it right,
They just might want to stay.

i feel fucked. but i know bear is with me.

chiao

i'm bored part 3

You Are 79% Creative

You are beyond creative. You are a true artist - even if it's not in the conventional sense of the word. You love creating for its own sake, and you find yourself quite inspired at times.

How Creative Are You?

hahahaa

i'm bored part 2

there is seriously nothing for me to do. there's only four of us in the office. lynn, ian, danny and myself. karen's still not back yet from lunch. she's goin to melbourne and sydney next week. but i alrdy prepare for her stuff. so yea..

totally i'm bored.
try to check oout my friendster page i don't even remember my passsword. at home, i saved my passsword so yea. screw me.

now i began to wonder from queen rizaniac to chicky queen,
weird me out man.

hahahah..

it's ok if you don't get what i'm tryin to say.
my player is playing smile like you mean it.

i really hope i can smile like i mean cos only when i'm with bear, I SMILE LIKE I MEAN IT.

=))

god, even on msn no one is talkin to me.

chiao-ing

i'm bored

in the office now.
with nothing much to do as i believe K. Siti won't be coming to the office today. hope she won't come tmr too either. hahaha.. not that i am being mean just the fact that i do not have much work to do. so yea.

i have to write my resign letter soon. but i don't know how. not that i don't know what to write but i just.. not sure what to write in the content.

and the sad thing is that there are no news bout my internship in the zoo. like wtf. i was hoping for it man.
i just got to email mdis again bout more internship. hope they give me a better one and (more hopefully) i get it this time around.

let's take it step by step.

bear's been busy this few days. with mid year exams coming up and all.
and school is starting this wed.

ok let's not go to there.

i just want to say that i miss school.
both bvss AND mdis.

life is tough aye?
oh well..



chiao

ps- my blog is collecting dust. damnit. i have to do something before it's officially a dead blog.

a funny song

Look mama
I love you
but you gotta let me live my life.

Don't wrap me up in cotton wool
you cannot treat me like a fool.
Anyway if I was
you gotta let me be the one.
O.k.
give me your advice

it's not my fault if I can't be wise

Show me a person who hasn't been done.
Look mama
I love you
but you gotta let me live my life. . . .

Don't try to stick your rules on me

I wasn't born as a carbon copy.
I came out of you
but don't think you own me.
I have my respect for you
I won't try to change
The things you do. Give me a break

Let me learn it my way. You think you know more
Than me
experience hasn't set you free.

I gotta make my own mistakes

why can't you treat me like a friend?

heroes and thieves

Well, disaster it strikes on a daily basis
I'm looking for wisdom in all the wrong places
I still wanna laugh with disappointed faces
And you can't help me
Blinded by these

Heroes and thieves at my door
I can't seem to tell them apart anymore

Just when i figure it out
Well darling it's you i'm without

Well i'm stubborn and wrong
But it gets unnoticed
I keep moving along
And hope i can get through this

Maybe this song is the best i can do this
I think surely, waiting on these

Heroes and thieves at my door
I can't seem to tell them apart anymore

Just when i figure it out
Well, darling it's you
Darling it's you
Well, darling it's you i'm without

And i'm burning
Gliding, gliding
In a low life
I'll miss and i see
I'll try hard to
Then i can't fly without you
Ah

Da da da

It seems like i'm getting closer to you
A flicker of peace that i’ve finally found
Thank you for believing in me now
Cause i could make it

And give me a year or two
And i’ll mend my ways
And see these mistakes
And when i'll be with you
Darling, trust me
When i can't see

I'll be coming back
I'll be coming back to you

These heroes and thieves at my door
I can't seem to tell them apart anymore
Just when i figure it out
Well darling it's you
Darling, it's you
Darling, it's you i'm without


chiao

remember

i remembered the days that i used to think i'm gonna make my dreams come true.

but sometimes..

things won't go as plan.

is it fate?

or is it a misfortune?


i don't know.


whatever it is, i still know it won't be fullfilled.

chiao

wrong me if my gaydar is not working

its been six days since i worked at ncs pte ltd. if you asked me whether i'm enjoying it or not? well.. sadly no. bear was right i should take internship. build up my resumes and stuff.

i got to talk to my parents bout it. but i dunnoe when.

dinner and dance this Friday and the dress code is retro. what the hell am i suppose to wear? a red polka dot dress? NO way. already now i have to wear tailored pants or skirts to work.. what only seh.. spoilt my rock chick image only..

anyway i'm interested to get to know more about sexylady.
seems to be a pretty interesting soul out there.
and i would like to apologise about the misunderstanding.

oh ya, i need to back to watching my L word. im missing alot of episodes. need to get back on track.

oh so a teenage couple yesterday on the bus. A(i presume her name starts from the letter A as she seems to be familiar.) anyways, they just remind me of me and bear.

(everybody go awwww...)
hahahahaa

and that is about it.

imissyoubigbrownbabybearbadz.

boom boom boom boom i wanna be your boom

oh i finally got a job.

cool or what? after the long search i got a bloody JOB.

yeay!

i'm hungry.

and i miss my bear who lost her atm card.
she's probably on her way to meet her cousin.

when are you gonna cook for me HUH?


chiao

Guess who is back?

I'm back. yes for real.

hahaha.

well mum is kind enough to give me back what belongs to meeeee.

i will update more. definitely. just got to wait. first.. i got to update alot of stuffs. one of which is of course my itunes.

chiao

and you began to wonder...

it's one of those days that even your favourite comedian was not making you laugh even when she was the funniest.

been a tiring day for me. i don't really know what's the cause of it but maybe it's the traveling. but it's not like i have not traveled from one corner of this puny island to another. you know what i mean?

ohwell.

the only thing that makes my spirit a lil higher was getting wet in the rain. it's been a while since i have touch the rain. the wonder rain can do. =)

and ya, i have been smiling to this cute lil friend of mine every time i look at it. cos it's the ONLY thing that was smiling at me.
amazing how my new best friend doesn't have any feelings but yet knows how i feel.

Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

my rock star

actually i was blogging about a lot of nonsensical stuff which i seriously thought it's not necessary to blog about. and I even asked bear to blog for me cos i was running out of ideas.

but then again, i just go for the easiest way to save all the fuss.

I'm gonna just post my most favoourritteeeee mtv from my one and only RATU ROCK - ELLA.
she's my idol since i was a kindergarden lamb.

and her new album's out. another collection to add. i just can't wait.
and with her new short haircut. which to my disappointment cos i just loooooveee her long black hair.

anyways, this is quite an old song. from her last year's album.
featuring my fav rock band from m'sia too, SPIDER.

muacks.

the Nightmare

so i woke up with the coldest sweat yest morn at five. the nightmare (which i totally can't remember what it was all about but knew it was the scariest of all scari-ness) made me ill. believe this, TILL NOW.

and i couldn't sleep back. not till five the next morn, which is today's morning. and when i slept at five just now, i was woken up with the sound of the door banging at nine. i have no idea who it was. like wtf. things just getting better aren't they?

and my lovely mum just don't quite understand what i'm going thru as she keep on making a big fuss about all the things i was doing.

oh well. nothing is to talk bout.





so chiao.

the sulking queen

did you read today's newspaper? bout how this husband who sulked big time with his wife end up being killed?

oh dear.

so lovers out there (the strings attached or not attached ones), WHENEVER your love sulk better.. BETTER layan them. or you will regret not doing so.

=)

so right now, i need to layan bear cos you know, Big kidssss just love to sulk.



ps- imsosearchingforajobnow

Bear Mee...

i just need you to give me a'lil patience.
i want to share every thing. yes i do.

but it needs time. just a minute or two.

give me your lil patience.

oh my bloody phone

was just planning to blog about how happy i am to get my repaired phone back.
but just a few minutes ago, i had to call nokia to ask what did they really do to my phone cos now it's not working anymore! again.


like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?

~

yesterday was.. v'day.
celebrate it with my bear of cost.

and for the FIRST TIME of our five months together, she made me feel helplessly helpless.
hehehehee.

ok la, not the first time. but you know.. when you just happen to be really helpless helpless. damn la, i dunno how to explain.

anyway, i blog another time.

adios adios.

Sleepy head

slept at one. woke up at six.
sleepy?
not yet. read - NOT YET.

there is not much of a thing to blog. except that i wanna congrats Rudy, my kuzin for doin well for his O level. yeay!

and erm...

ok that's all folks!



i miss you




chiaosss

when she's all yours...

there was no breakfast for me today.
but i was full the moment i stepped outside your house.
we both know we are not the champion swimmers.
but we took the bet and jump off to the ocean.

did we dive in?
but wait, did the water even touch our skin?

and i keep telling you i have lost.
but don't you baby think I'm the real winner?
well it is just that you're not here for dinner.

and we were screaming
when we indulge ourselves while drowning
i almost thought that I'm dying

in your arms.


it is like i can't seems to breathe
when you were underneath

then you found the treasure
while i have my pleasure.

you were on top of my mountain.
while I'm on top of yours.

we reached the highest peak in the universe.


in the same ocean.
with the same reason.





:)

chiao.

Happy Birthday

well. i have turned 19 today.
nothing to be biggie bout it. i'm just a year old which means..... i got to be less childish already. and that suckssss...

hahahaa.

well here are some of the gifts that i just got to upload and show it to the rest of the world cos it is so special! seriously.

the first one is of cost..
CAKE

handmade by Lina and Bear.

CARD

made by sandy aka squirrely zebra and cool nerdie penguin aka shangz

CDs

by all of them.

SHIRT

by bear

TARTS

CHOCS...

ARM REST

and CHOCS againby sister

and i'm soo loving all of them. really.
and ya the bouquet of ferror roches, if any of you guys wants to order it for a cheap price tell me. sis is making it for v day.

yea.






chiao

that piece of art...

You always see in the movie how the actor being swooped off from the ground by the beauty of the actress while she sashay from the stairs or just walk towards him elegantly etc, etc…

And I absolutely witness that scene real life just now.

Oh.My.God

And at that very second I just couldn’t do anything but to smile to myself, foolishly. Ok, no further comment.

Well, back to reality. I went to met Bear and we went around Singapore before she starts her tuition at 3.

Now my spirit is pretty high up maybe cos I have not met her for a period of time that is long enough for me to miss her.. Oh whatever.

And I’m totally missing my queens.

I swear I do.

Chiao.

"Lovesick," the doc said

Well yes. I have been sick on and off. Especially my giddiness and right now my throat badly hurts I can’t even seem to be able to swallow even the smallest molecule ever. And what did doctor said. “Oh you don’t have to worry. You are just LOVESICK.”

...

ok, the REAL reason why I came online specifically because I want to get things straight with this girl who used to be our friend. Another Nisha issue? Nope. This is worse.

A hypocrite.

I still remember VIVIDLY how emo you were when school was to end. Your blog entries was full of “I won’t forgets” and “you guys make my day!”

And to see what is really happening now, who is being disgusting here?

And what right do you have to show prejudice towards MY bear? (Note- not THE)

And who gives a bloody shit about not being able to read your blog which is “open to invited readers only”


Seriously **r**, get a life.
Grow. Up.





Chiao.

the "fight"

it was bullshit.

and no. none of the queens trying to prove any shit. GET THIS STRAIGHT.
humans make mistake. we were childish back then.

so just get over it, queens.

let's not be bothered over this kind of issue. she have a own life and we have ours. maybe when one one day our path cross again, maybe... MAYBE things will change. but for now, it will be like this.

right, Nisha?

anyway, from the bottom of my heart, i apologized. my mistake. to discriminate you with no reason.

and here's the classic for my queens.
how can i not laugh at it.



chiao LADIES

ok, i just have to blog

and yes i'm bored again. i'm actually waiting for my nephew's tuition to end so i can have my late dinner. well actually, i'm not hungry you know but i have to cos' someone will be mad with me.

anyways, i so need to blog about this thing that is goin thru my head. but the prob is, i have no idea which one to start with. hmmm, i'm actually in a mood to do poem but then again my poem talent is getting all so rusty. hahaha, was just practicing it with my Baby Bear just now. hahahaa..

i miss you.

oh damn. i continue after this. my lil devil just done with tuition.

no chiaos. cos i'm so gonna be right back

i'm bored, BABY

so my saturday nite is to stay at home with a bunch of dvds to be watch. which one? I'm not quite sure which one just yet. I'm happy enough right now bloggin my ass off.

good news came from cupcake - SHE's not leavin this island. heheheee.

bad news came from me - I'm dead bored.

~

cut the crap.

~

actually it has been awhile since i last wrote a poem. damn.

~

what i actually need right now is to actually know what i got to do.




chiao chiao

and i'm finally back

first entry in the year 2007.

god, its been a VERY long time. actually i have a lot of things to blog about, but as you know i am kinda in a sick mood so maybe the next time?

actually i am kinda bored now. no one is online. am only chatting with my sister. oh well what to do. life is suckie.

and rite now, i better watch my unfinished taiwan drama.

chiao.